Bible Discussion Thread

In proverbs it talks a lot about how sparing the rod spoils the child. I understand and agree that children need rules and discipline. I'm new to Christianity. My husband grew up with god. We have a toddler. My husband believes the best and only way to discipline our toddler is by spanking. I grew up being spanked and have always been against it. I have a hard time emotionally not interfering when he does it and he gets upset that I don't spank as well. I know what the Bible says. I just don't know how to make myself ok with it or even do it myself. The Bible says to die to yourself and follow gods word. So how do I put my trauma and emotions aside to do what the Bible says? How do I not worry about my child's emotional and mental wellbeing or what being spanked could do to them? I want to submit to my husbands lead and have my child grow up to be a good human being. I just can't get over physically and possibly mentally harming my child to do it.

Hello Confuzzled

In the Old Testament it also says that if a child swears to his parents then they must be stoned to death. So do we have to do that? Of course not, do we? The commandment in the New Testament is in Colossians 3:21, "Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged". If you spank your kids often then you will turn them into angry kids and at the end they will definitely loose their courage in life. But you can take that "rod" figuratively. Just think, what does God do with us when we are disobedient? Firstly He does nothing apart from teaching us. He is very patient with us and gives us a lot of time. Then when He sees that after a long time we still keep in our ways then He allows hard things to come into our lives to make us repent. But at the same time He keeps assuring us of His love to us, He doesn't want us to believe that He doesn't love us, we will be discouraged. So do the same. When you realize that although you have kept talking to your kids and gave them a lot of time to obey and still they don't seem to be in a mood to obey, move to the next step. Make their lives difficult. Take away something they love, say a toy. Keep them in their room for some (sensible) time and don't allow them to go out. Keep them away from their friends for a while (but keep talking to them). Anything really. It is you that will find out the right way. Every kid is different from any other and needs a diferent approach, like God doesn't do the same with all of us. Also a different approach is needed for different ages. But keep your hands away from them. They will never forget it if you spank them. And they will keep telling you that when they grow up and you will keep feeling guilty and an insuffient parent when you realize the mistake you have done. If your husband keeps spanking your kid then you must stand against that. You must not accept it for any reason. Find a way to talk and persuade your husband, ie show him the scriptures etc.GBU

Hi Giannis,

Some people grow up very bothered and resentful that their parents spanked them growing up. But this is not true of all.

Personally, I knew that my parents loved me and wanted my to grow in obedience to them and God. The spankings I do remember I deserved, for I had sinned and punishment was appropriate. I never was angry or resentful or critical of my parents for spanking me.

Though some, like you, are very against spanking, I do not think that the Scriptures prohibit it as a means to discipline children. It is legitimate for believers to use it in training up their children in the way they should go. It is also legitimate for parents to choose to not spank and employ other means.

As I stated in my response to Confuzzled, spanking is not to be used as an outlet for adult emotions such as anger, frustrations, etc. It is a teaching tool, not a way of dominating a child. We do want to steer them from behaviors that are not good for them or others and those that can grow into behaviors that are very disturbing if left unchecked.

I appreciate that you have expressed how you view spanking. But it is not a fact that spanking children will automatically cause them to be angry and resentful of their parents.

Hi GiGi

It true that in the past decades parents used to use spanking to discipline their kids. In my country even the teachers in the elementary schools would spank a kid, but that was until the 80's. The past generations favoured a very strict discilpine towards kids. But today that has changed. Why would you use spanking when you can get better results by using other methods? Personally if my father spanked me then I would definitely leave the house and I would cut off any communication with him. But he never did that although I did some terrible things. Similarly many kids would had done the same. I got a few from my mother when I was little but I never got it seriously really, it was like fun to me. And really I loved her very much,

When I got married to my wife and we had our first and only child sometimes I would lay my hand on him when my patience was expiring because he was extremely naughty. But my wife, thanks God, gave me a warning. She wouldn't tolerate it. Thanks God I stopped before it was too late. My wife wouldn't tolerate anything against our son. Now I know she was always right. And my boy is OK now. We have been teaching him the right behavior, sometimes successfully, other times not so. God uses His love to make us obey, nobody will ever go to heaven because they were compelled to do so. He lets us free. He even let the prodigal son free, He never tried to object him leaving the house.

I don't think Jesus or the apostles would ever favour spanking the kids. As I said there are always better methods to discipline them, ie cut off anything they like, God does that to us very often. You will get a better result and they will never ever think that we don't love them.

You know not all kids take spanking the same way. There are sensitive kids that will show a strange behavior when they grow up. In some cases they will show the same behavior to their kids.

Anyway, thanks for you answer but to be honest it didn't change my beliefs about spanking. GBU

That's fine, Giannis, I just wanted to give a different perspective as you seemed to make a blanket statement about those who were spanked as children growing up to be angry and resentful towards their parents. That is not always the case.

As Christian parents we choose how we discipline our children as we are led by the holy Spirit.

for me, spanking is quick, timely to the offense and when it is over, it is over. The punishments you mentioned can be effective for older children but for preschool children, the discipline should be close in time to the offense, short in duration, be uncomfortable enough to cause them to check their behavior, and to not allow for the parent or child to stew" about the incident.

We all make the choices we did according to our own emotional makeup and knowledge of child development.

Have a good weekend, Giannis.

Hello again Confuzzled,

If a young toddler can learn not to touch things that are hot, or stay by you in the store or near the car, or not throw things, hit people, etc in these years, then they will be able to learn more easily things that are of more moral issues. they will..

When my boys were young, they knew that when I said "no" to something, I meant "no" and that I would not give into their pleading, crying, or other methods toddlers and preschoolers use to get one to relent. So, being staunchly resistant to giving in is very important in parenting very young kids. I also found that making it so that I could be available and willing to say "yes" to their needs and normal desires as often as I could was helpful. This way they knew that I was willing and able to meet their reasonable requests and set acceptable parameters to their behaviors and to the environment that they were to operate within.

With my three boys I can say that we never went through the "terrible twos" as many call it because i did not allow the tantrumming and constant disobedience without consequences that deterred them. After my sons turned three they did not need a heavy-handed discipline environment because they had a realm of operation that was comfortable for them, not restrictive concerning what is normal expectations of children. To accomplish this a parent needs to be willing to be inconvenienced by their children's needs and to pay attention to them in the home and away. When at the doctor or other place that was not very easy for children to behave in I always brought books or some small toys for them. I interacted with them and focused on them, not on my phone or with other adults. It was this attentiveness to them that taught them to behave well in situations that were so difficult for young ones to keep occupied in desirable ways. The goal in this was to train them so that we could really take them almost anywhere and they would be well behaved because we met their needs.

Hello Confuzzled,

This is a difficult topic for many couples when it comes to how to discipline their children..

There is a difference between spanking a child in anger and spanking a child to teach them to stop doing something that is either physically harmful to themselves or others or sinful.

In raising my own children, we did spank them in their early years, but never in anger or because their behavior caused us to be angry or frustrated. They were never responsible for any of our own emotions, so we never wanted to "make them pay" for making us feel certain ways. I think this is a key to using effective discipline for young children. Spanking is a form of aversion therapy in that they will learn to associate certain actions with discomfort and so they will learn to resist their urges to repeat these actions. It is effective in a n atmosphere of love and acceptance along with an understanding of their stage of development .

Young children do not see things as adults do and yet many times adults think that kids are just doing things to be

"bad" or disrupt and adult in their desired activity of the moment. Although this disruption happens often when children are young, they do not have the capacity to think through their actions as adults do and they do not have enough experience or memory to internalize much of what they do. Most actions are done because of a physical need or as an impulsiveness.

Since your child is a toddler (between the ages of 1 and 3) he/she is at a good age to be disciplined this way. I found that with my three boys using spanking during toddlerhood along with other types of discipline eliminated many behaviors that would be come problematic habits if not dealt with at an early age and that after age 3, I hardly had reason to spank them much after that age. They had learned that when I said "No", "Stop", "don't touch" or "Stay by me" they knew I meant it and would make it difficult for them to continue to disobey. This worked.